Porsche Panamera. Audi A6. Rolls-Royce Phantom. Heck, even the Toyota Camry. These are all vehicles that explain themselves. You don’t have to ask, “Why would someone make that?” They’re beautiful, practical, high-performing, or some combination of these traits.
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Pontiac Aztek
What, exactly, about the Pontiac Aztek did the fierce Central Mexican empire of the Aztec people inspire? It had to have been the inevitable demise at the hands of a technologically superior group (whether that group is Spanish conquistadors or every vehicle not named the Pontiac Aztek). Hey, we spelled Aztec with a “k,” I think people will forget that the bizarre, boxy SUV looks like an uncreative first-grader designed it.
The high-water mark for the Pontiac Aztek was its appearance in Breaking Bad, where a meth-dealing chemistry teacher drives it. That’s as on-brand as on-brand gets.
Nissan Juke
Is it a car? Is it an SUV? Nobody knows! The masterminds at Nissan did not learn from the ill-fated Chrysler PT Cruiser. You should never make a car UV just for the sake of it. So next time you wonder what that odd-looking vehicle with a Nissan logo is, wonder no more. It’s a Nissan Joke. I mean Juke.
Kia Soul
Kia Soul: The car that’s good enough for a hamster. The hamster-focused marketing campaign is the only thing more confusing than the Kia Soul’s design or the question of which exact demographic the designers were appealing to (the visually impaired?). Are you a hamster? Buy our car!
Perhaps Kia management saw how the Soul looked after leaving the assembly line and said, “We have to go all-in on the rodent-owning demographic. It’s our only shot at selling this monstrosity.”
Chevrolet HHR
The Chevrolet HHR looks like a Dodge Durango RT or Nissan Armada went swimming on a really cold day. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, ask George Costanza.
The DeLorean
I don’t care what Marty McFly tells you; the DeLorean makes no sense. Plus, it can’t even time travel. Maybe by the year 3045, the DeLorean will be back in style. For now, its manufacture remains a mystery.
Ford Mustang Mach-E SUV
“Honey, I got you just want you wanted for Christmas, a Ford Mustang SUV! And it’s financed at 12%!” – Nobody.
Like so many vehicles in the hybrid-body-style class, the Ford Mustang Mach-E SUV is a confused mess that, even worse, sullies the storied Mustang name. Forget Mustang Sally. This car is Mustang Ouchy.
Chrysler PT Cruiser
In the past, choosing to drive a Chrysler PT Cruiser meant making a loud statement about yourself. That statement might be “Stay as far away as possible” or “I’m baffled about my identity,” but it was nonetheless bold.
And if you purchased the PT Cruiser with the wood grain on the outside? We don’t have the time or word count to diagnose that.
Hummer
We know that Hummers are excellent for military transport. Can someone please remind us why they were marketed as a consumer vehicle? Furthermore, why they’ve gone electric?
If not for the conspicuous consumption of fuel, there is no conceivable reason to own a Hummer, let alone drive one through a Taco Bell drive-thru.
Nissan Cube
Every long-running, reliable, and reasonably good-looking Nissan Maxima or Nissan Rogue has a Nissan Juke or Nissan Cube to balance the scales of automotive justice. Nissan giveth, Nissan taketh away. Whenever a vehicle name is as literal as “cube,” it’s probably for squares.
Smart Car
Smart car? More like dumb car. That fruit is hanging so low Tiny Tim could pick it. Honestly, though, the Smart Car is the dumbest-looking death trap you’ll ever see. I don’t care how much gas it saves. From a safety perspective, you may as well be riding a bicycle.
One self-assured commenter realizes, perhaps as you now do: “This has taught me that I love ugly cars.”
This thread inspired this post.
This article originally appeared on MyCarMakesNoise.
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